In June, school year is coming to a close.
Summer is around the
corner. There is lots of family time -
graduations, weddings. People begin to think
about some relaxing time with family and
friends. Mother's Day has passed, and
Father's Day approaches.
Whether or not you have a parent who is
living, now is an ideal time to take a moment
to reflect on the qualities you admire about
this person who contributed to giving you
life. You may or may not have an ideal
relationship (who does?) but you can still be
grateful to your parents for giving you the
opportunities to become the person you are.
If your parent disappointed you, you will
likely not benefit from punishing or trying
to change them. You will benefit by parenting
yourself and your own children in the most
loving and responsive way you can. It is
also helpful to bear in mind that you cannot
change the way you were parented but you can
understand the effects of the way you were
parented. And, most important, you can heal
from the negative effect.
Note that you can choose the legacy you leave
to the next generation, and you can honor
your parent and yourself by being the most
caring, empathetic person you can be.
Giving up the Fantasy Parent will
guide you toward reflecting on the relationship
you have and find ways to improve it.
Closely related to relationships with parents
are relationships with children. Building
Independence in Kids offers tips for
developing a positive attitude while fostering
independent skills in children.
Check my website, www.drdaleatkins.com
for updates on my appearances related to my
new book, Sanity
Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced
Life. I am proud to be a member of the
Westin Renewal Council, whose purpose is to
help people live the best life wherever they
are. Please click Westin
Renewal Council for some personal renewal
tips. And if you
me to speak to your group or organization,
please contact me directly at
email@example.com or contact the
Speakers' Bureau at HarperCollins.
I appreciate you sharing this newsletter with
friends, loved ones and colleagues by
to a Friend button below.
Wishing you health, peace and balance.
|Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced Life
Now In Bookstores!
SANITY SAVERS: Tips for Women to
Balanced Life is out in bookstores and
with suggestions to save
every day of the week.
A must for any woman
seeking to find her balance!
Giving Up The Fantasy Parent
Are you someone who bemoans the luck of the
parent draw or are you grateful for the
parents you have and the lessons you can
learn from having them as parents? Even if we
profess love for our parents, some of us
simultaneously dwell on how far our parents
fall from the epicenter of our "perfect
parent" fantasy. The ideal can differ greatly
- from parent-as-patient-confessor to
parent-as-relentless cheerleader and
everything in between.
Having an ideal of this sort is a common,
understandable human reaction to unhappiness
and frustration, but in hanging on to angry
fantasies about your parents, you are letting
yourself get stuck in a common childhood
stage that is very painful. Blaming your
parents not only for their actions but for
who they actually are is a neat way to abrogate
responsibility. It creates a negative
environment that diverts you from coming up
with practical solutions to deal with the
Accepting the reality of who you parents
are, separate from your dreams and
expectations -- and from their peer group or
the parents of your friends -- is a painful
process, but one that will, in the end,
elevate you to a much more comfortable,
Following are some steps that may be helpful:
Mourn. You should feel free to
grieve the fact that you didn't get the
parents you feel you deserved. Then, say
good-bye to your fantasy. In doing this you
lay to rest a piece of your own internal
resistance and pave the way for liberation.
Transpose the Loss of the Fantasy Parent
into a New Identity. Before you can be
whole, you must relinquish the fantasy by
realizing that not having such parents does
not define you. You are responsible only to
yourself for what you are and what you will
View Your Parents As They Are. There
is no such thing as "perfect" parents.
Parents are human, and therefore imperfect.
Catalogue Your Parents' Strengths. It
is easy to overlook positive qualities and
focus on the annoying aspects of our parents'
Accept Your Parents. They are living,
breathing, changing entities who neither
define you nor defeat you.
TODAY Show (NBC)
Today -Weekend Edition
June 9th, 8:00am: Cyber-Sex and its Effect on
June 17th, 8:00am: Sanity Savers for
New Morning Show
June 6th: How to Achieve Clarity in One's
Hallmark Channel, 7:00am
The Premier Women's Blogging Site: Sanity
The Lisa Birnbach Radio Show
Every other Wed., 9:15-10:00am
The Lisa Birnbach Show airs LIVE Mon-Fri
NJ Chapter of WIZO
June 7th, 11:30am: Keynote Luncheon
Speaker, Sanity Savers
Short Hills, NJ
Women In Business
Featured Speaker, Sanity
Dolce Norwalk Conference
Center, Norwalk, CT
Rick Crandall's Breakfast Club
June 20th, 8:15am: Radio Interview, Sanity
KEZW-AM, Denver, CO
A Good Daily Habit
With all the family-related activities
that come with summer, make sure to get the
sleep you need to recharge your personal
Catnap, shut out the world and revitalize
yourself. Visualize a deep restorative sleep
and waking up refreshed to tackle whatever
the day has in store for you.
Sleep restores. Even when it is disturbed,
you can relax into it.
|Sanity SaversTM TIPS
Building Independence in Kids
Don't Be Available 24/7
Most parents want to be caring and attentive.
However, it is easy to overdo it. These days,
with the ubiquitous cell phone, text
messaging and pagers, parents can
reach their kids anytime, anywhere and check
in on any number of matters, warranted or
not. It is important to provide your children
space so they can grow and develop
self-confidence and self-management skills.
Consider the following tips:
- Teach Positive Self-Talk -
Children can internalize comforting
statements their parents would say, and draw
upon these in times of anxiety. "I can do
this." "I know I am smart." "I can learn
this if I practice."
- Build Independence Skills-
Start by doing things for your kids. Then
move on to doing these things with
your kids. Next, watch them doing these, and
finally, get to a place where they will do
things on their own. Your role is to teach
and then have them learn and step back so
they can absorb.
- Teach the Basics-
Give you children age-appropriate
responsibilities around the house that will
prepare them to take care of themselves when
they are on their own.
- Be the Coach-
Rather than trying to take care of a problem
for your children, listen, guide and
encourage them to try alternative actions to
address the matter.
Everyone needs space in order to grow.
A man can't make a place for himself in the
sun if he keeps taking refuge under the
DALE V. ATKINS Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist,
lecturer and commentator in the media who
on the Today show.
She has more than twenty-
years of experience and focuses on living a
life, parenting, aging well, managing stress,
work transitions, family connections and healthy
Dr. Atkins is the author
and/or co-editor of several books including:
Their Private Thoughts about their Private
Families and their Hearing-Impaired
OK, You're My Parents
Let Go of Anger and Create a Relationship that
Wedding Sanity Savers
Handle the Stickiest Dilemmas, Scrapes and
Questions that Arise on the Road to Your Perfect
book . . .
Savers: Tips for Women to
Find out more....
As Seen on the TODAY SHOW!
Wedding Sanity Savers
How to Handle the Stickiest Dilemmas, Scrapes and Questions that Arise on the Road to Your Perfect Day
You're My Parents
How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works
Now in Paperback!